Parenthood vs. Childhood Memories

I do not watch a ton of TV but one show I do like watching is Parenthood on NBC on Tuesday evenings.  I love the family dynamics and the realness of the show without it being so saturated with sex, and other junk I don't want to see. 

This last episode really brought me to tears several times but I think some of those tears were a combination of realizing what was going on in the episode but the other half of the tears were just simply me reliving some of the same heart break in my own life.  

October is a month where memories good and bad always flood my mind.  October 30th will mark the 10 year anniversary of my mother passing from Leukemia.  CANCER SUCKS!

So in this episode of Parenthood last night two parents were skyping with their daughter who was away at college.  They had to break the news to her that mom has breast cancer.  It was in that moment when I thought about the phone call with my dad.  I remember how hard it was to hear at the young age of 17 that my mom had cancer, but last night as I watched I started to think about how hard it was on my father and mother to tell me.  I realized because I am a parent now my perspective of the whole situation is different.  As Adam was on a phone call with his daughter he was trying to remain strong and encouraging.  I thought about how strong my dad was!  I thought about how difficult that would have been now that I am a parent!  

I think we make ourselves be strong for certain people and then we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with others.  I knew my mom needed me to encourage her so I stayed strong for her but that first day back at school I allowed myself to be vulnerable.  My friends knew something was up but I did not want to talk to them.  I found myself at a my drama teachers desk bawling with her arms around me.  I'm not sure why I decided she was where I would be vulnerable but she was a great teacher whom I loved and trusted.  I don't remember what she said to help me through that day or the next ones coming but she was there.  

There was another person whom I allowed to be vulnerable with.  I may have already graduated but my childhood friend was a senior in High school and I went to the school to talk to her the day things got bad for my mom.  

So as you can see memories always flood my mind in October.  This year I am starting to realize a different perspective.   I have come to new realizations about my dad.  Even if I still miss my mom after 10 years one thing is for sure- My dad and I have grown much closer and I am so thankful for him, his love, his encouragement, him!  Even though he always is a pillar of strength he has allowed me in during his most vulnerable times and him in mine!  We were the ones together the most after my mothers passing and I am thankful I was there with him and he allowed himself to be real, be vulnerable, to cry, to be angry, and to love.  We had the long 2 hour ride home from the hospital together where we both barely could see the road through our tears.  I was the one putting my hand on his shoulder as he fell to his knees at his bed realizing his love would never lay their again.  I was there with him picking out the casket and headstone.  I was the one that went to grief sessions with him.  He was the one who got to hear about my night terrors shortly after my mom passed.  He was the one that made me go back to college but thankfully did allow me to come home every weekend.  :)

I am now married and have been blessed with a great husband that may have never gotten to meet my mom I still some days think they have.  They actually have more in common then I think I realize some days.  

Well, I think that is where I will end it today.  I know it is a deep post with sadness in it but truly there is joy in it too!  Hope you all hug your loves a bit tighter tonight and you get real and humble with them.    

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